


American Horror Story S3+S8: Bojack Horseman AU (Season 1)

by ketchup_chemistry



Series: AHS Bojack Horseman AU [1]
Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Apocalypse, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: Bojack Horseman AU, Cordelia is Princess Carolyn, Drinking, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, I just thought it was an okay idea, Implied Sexual Content, Kyle is Mr. Peanutbutter, Madison is Bojack, Nan is Todd, Smoking, Yes these are actual scripts from the show, Zoe is Diane, guaranteed this is ooc for most characters, hmmmm i wonder, i couldn't get the horse puns to not work so is madison a horsegirl???, i'm sure there's more tags to add too, madison isn't a horsegirl i just couldn't change the horse puns, more characters i'm gonna add, typical bojack horseman shit happening
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:07:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23329735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ketchup_chemistry/pseuds/ketchup_chemistry
Summary: Once the star hit of the sitcom, Horsin' Around, today Madison's washed up, just hanging around Hollywood complaining, and wearing colorful sweaters.-A Bojack Horseman AUThis is a WIP.If this does well, I might do season 2.I'm probably going to finish season 1.
Relationships: Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode/Madison Montgomery, Madison Montgomery/A Whole Bunch of Other People, Zoe Benson/Kyle Spencer, Zoe Benson/Madison Montgomery
Series: AHS Bojack Horseman AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1677715
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. Madison Montgomery: The Madison Montgomery Story, Chapter One

V/O: Horsin' Around is filmed before a live studio audience.

**ENT: Kitchen of an 80's furnished house**

_Madison is in a loud orange sweatshirt doing dishes and young Mallory plops down at the table in a bad mood_

MALLORY: [sighs] Mondays.

MADISON: [laughs] Well, good morning to you too.

MALLORY: Oh, hey.

_Madison drops her plate and looks around for some hay, Mallory giggles_

MADISON: Where? I love hay!

  
  


**ENT: Delphine LaLaurie interviewing Madison**

DELPHINE LALAURIE: In 1987, the situation comedy Horsin' Around premiered on ABC.

_Madison is shown sharing a giant bowl of ice cream with a happy family; in another picture she is eating it all to herself and the family is sad_

DELPHINE LALAURIE: The show, in which a young, bachelor girl is forced to reevaluate her priorities when she agrees to raise three children, was initially dismissed by critics as broad and saccharine and not good, but the family comedy struck a chord with America and went on to air for nine seasons. The star of Horsin' Around, Madison Montgomery, is our guest tonight.

Welcome, Madison.

MADISON: It is good to be here, Charlie. Sorry I was late. The traffic-

DELPHINE LALAURIE: It's really no problem.

MADISON: I parked in a handicapped spot. I hope that's okay.

DELPHINE LALAURIE: You parked in a-

MADISON: I'm sorry, disabled spot. Is that the proper nomenclature?

DELPHINE LALAURIE: Maybe you should move the car.

MADISON: No, I don't think I should drive right now. I'm incredibly drunk. 

DELPHINE LALAURIE: You're telling me that you're drunk right now?

MADISON: Is it just me, or am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I'm nailing it.

DELPHINE LALAURIE: Yes. Anyway, we were talking about Horsin' Around.

To what do you attribute the show's wide appeal?

MADISON: Delphine, listen, you know, I know that it's very hip these days to shit all over Horsin' Around, but at the time, I can tell you - Is it okay to say "shit"? -

DELPHINE LALAURIE: Please don't.

MADISON: 'Cause I I think the show's actually pretty solid for what it is.

It's not Ibsen, sure, but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra, and sometimes when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likable people who love each other, where, you know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes, everything's gonna turn out okay.

You know, because in real life- Did I already say the thing about the urethra?

DELPHINE LALAURIE: Well, let's talk about real life. What have you been doing since the show's cancellation?

MADISON: That's a great question, Delphine.

I, uh Uh, I Um

**Intro with funky electronic music**

CROWD Marie! Marie! Marie! Marie!

_Marie Laveau is on television delivering the 'bad' news to a man, who hid behind the chairs._

MARIE: In the case of one-year-old Phoenix, you are the father.

**In Madison’s house**

NAN: Morning, sunshine.

MADISON: [groans]

NAN: Why so gloomy, roomie?

MADISON: First of all, we're not roommates. You are my houseguest.

NAN: Well, we don't need to put labels on things.

MADISON: You sleep on my couch, and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that were less parasitic.

I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.

NAN: Because my parents kicked me out, and I had nowhere to go, and even though you don't want anyone to know it-

_Madison prepares herself a smoothie of carrots, vitamins,and vodka for breakfast_

[blender whirring]

_Madison purposely cuts off Nan with the blender. Nan patiently waits to resume speaking_

NAN: You secretly have a good heart.

MADISON: You told me they didn't approve of your "alternative lifestyle.

I thought you were, like, a troubled gay teen or something.

I didn't realize by "alternative lifestyle" that you meant you were lazy.

NAN: That's on you for making assumptions. Also, if you're looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night and ate them all.

MADISON: [sighs]

NAN: Did you say you've had tapeworms?

[upbeat music]

**ENT: Diner**

_A teenager is rummaging through a dumpster and disturbs another teenager_

BEHOLD: Thanks for meeting me here.

I would have invited you to my office, but the electric company shut off our power.

MADISON: That's unfortunate.

BEHOLD: Just an issue with the bank and a lack of money in it. Now, as you know, Hawthorne is very eager to publish your memoirs, but you keep missing your deadlines.

MADISON: I know, and I'm sorry, but I am making great progress.

_Flashback to Madison in her office lazily speaking into a tape recorder. A whole day goes by and she hasn't gotten anywhere_

MADISON: Madison Montgomery: The Madison Montgomery Story, written by Madison Montgomery.

Chapter one.

Chapter one.

Chapter One.

BEHOLD: Look, we really need a bestseller here at Hawthorne. Things are not that great for me, money wise.

MADISON: Aren't you an editor at a major publishing house?

BEHOLD: Yeah, a publishing house. When was the last time you saw a book?

MADISON: I thought I saw someone reading one in the park the other day, but it turned out it was a takeout menu.

WAITRESS: Whenever you're ready.

BEHOLD: [clears throat]

MADISON: [sighs]

_Madison pulls out her wallet to cover the tab_

BEHOLD: We're living month to month here. We're kind of counting on your autobiography to save the company, no pressure.

MADISON: That's actually a lot of pressure.

BEHOLD: Have you considered working with a ghostwriter?

MADISON: Ugh, no, thank you. Look, just give me one more week, and I will give you some pages that'll knock your ass back to the South Pole.

BEHOLD: I'm from Cincinnati. It - that doesn't matter. I'll call you in a week.

MADISON: Yes, one week. I'm telling you, this book is a top priority for me.

**ENT: Madison's living room**

_Madison is drinking a beer and watching a rerun of 'Horsin' Around; her cell phone rings and she ignores it_

MADISON: Oh, right. Yeesh.

MADISON ON TV: You're wearing that to the prom?

COCO: What, you don't think it's cute?

MADISON ON TV: Neigh way, Jose.

MADISON: [laughs] "Neigh way, Jose." I improvised that line.

I mean, it was written, but I gave it the old Madison spin.

NAN: Hey, how many times have you watched this episode?

MADISON: Yeah, but do you get it, though? Because "nay" means no, but it's also a thing that horses say.

It works on every level.

NAN: I get it.

MADISON: Ah, you don't get it.

[cheerful music on TV] Three little orphans One, two, three. Without a home or a family tree. Until this girl said "Live with me" and now we've got a new family. We were lost and now we're found and we're Horsin' Around.

MADISON: [belches]

NAN: Are you drunk?

MADISON: Nan, I weigh over 120 pounds. It takes a lot of beer to get me drunk.

_Camera pans out to show 48 beers and a tapped keg_

Yes.

NAN: Ah, yeah, I see. You're just bummed out because Cordelia Goode dumped you last night.

**ENT: At a fancy diner 10 hours earlier**

[jazz music]

CORDELIA: Madison, we need to talk.

MADISON: Hey, check out the rug on that guy.

_A guy is sitting with two attractive women_

AXEMAN: Slow and steady, am I right, ladies? [girls giggle] Ha-cha-cha.

MADISON: Who does he think he's fooling? He doesn't have hair.

CORDELIA: Stop embarrassing me. That is the Axeman.

MADISON: You know, I am not crazy about the bread here.

Mm. Why do I keep eating it?

CORDELIA: Madison, can you please just listen for a second?

MADISON: You have my undivided attention.

_Madison grabs another piece of bread_

CORDELIA: I think we should see other people.

MADISON: Were we not seeing other people?

_Madison is getting some tang while an episode of 'Horsin' Around' is playing_

GIRL: [moaning] Madison, I'm almost there.

MADISON: Wait. Shh! Shut up.

MADISON ON TV: Now, that's a horse of a different - cruller?

_On tv out of context we see Madison hold up a donut. She has an orgasm to the punchline of her joke_

MADISON: Oh! God, that's good comedy.

_Return to dinner._

CORDELIA: Madison!

MADISON: What? Everyone gets a mulligan, and my mulligan was Carey Mulligan.

I'm kidding, jeez.

It was Emily Mortimer.

CORDELIA: [scoffs]

MADISON: What is the problem here? Are you embarrassed of me because I'm a has-been? Because you know that I'm writing that book that is gonna make everybody love me again.

CORDELIA: You're not really writing a book.

MADISON: Well, I already spent my advance, so that's a first step.

CORDELIA: Look, this has been a lot of fun, but I need to start thinking about my future.

I mean, you don't even respect me enough to have a baby with me.

MADISON: Whoa, what? I never explicitly said that.

CORDELIA: You said it with your actions.

MADISON: What actions?

**ENT: The sidewalk, a woman with a stroller appears**

CORDELIA: Oh, look at that baby. Isn't he the cutest baby you ever saw?

_Madison gets 'spooked' and begins to panic trampling everything in her path_

MADISON: What? What? What? No, no, wha [horn honks] [glass shatters] [car door opens and closes] [engine turns over] [tires squealing] [glass shattering] [engine revving] [tires screeching] [loud crash] [sirens blaring]

COP: Step away from the stolen vehicle, ma’am!

MADISON: No, no, no. Misunderstanding, officer.

I was running away from my girlfriend whom I don't respect enough to have a baby with.

COP: Hey, aren't you the girl from Horsin' Around?

**ENT: Back at the diner**

CORDELIA: Oh, face it.

You're afraid of commitment.

MADISON: I'm not afraid of commitment. I commit to things all the time.

It's the following through on that commitment that I take issue with.

CORDELIA: Hey, stupid, isn't that your friend over there?

MADISON: Oh, Kyle Spencer? God, I hope he doesn't see us.

KYLE: Is that Madison Montgomery?

MADISON: Oh, jeez, here we go.

KYLE: Kyle Spencer and Madison Montgomery in the same room.

What is this, a crossover episode?

MADISON: You know, that gets funnier every time.

KYLE: You're being sarcastic, but I think it does actually get funnier every time.

MADISON: We're actually in the middle of breaking up right now... so if you could just

KYLE: Yeah? You're in the middle of it?

MADISON: Yeah, that's right.

KYLE: So would it be awkward if I joined you right now?

MADISON: Yes, actually, it's very awkward. Is that not clear?

KYLE: Yeah, this is awkward right now?

_Kyle pulls up a chair_

MADISON: Yes, please leave.

CORDELIA: How are you, Kyle?

KYLE: Oh, living the dream, C.G., living the dream.

MADISON: Why are you making conversation?

CORDELIA: Oh, let's see, it's the English word: It's called being polite, Madison.

MADISON: But am I crazy that this is a bad time?

KYLE: Always a Clydesdale, never a Clyde, eh, Madison?

MADISON: What?

KYLE: You'll get that one later, man.

_Heads offscreen_

KYLE: Erica, get out of here with that face!

CORDELIA: Would it kill you to be civil? This is why we're breaking up.

MADISON: So it's not because of the thing with the baby?

CORDELIA: It's because of a lot of things! Waiter, could we please have the check? Thank you.

BOJACK: We haven't even ordered yet.

CAROLYN: I have wasted so many dinners on you, Madison Montgomery. I don't know how you can expect anyone else to love you when you so clearly hate yourself.

WAITER: Here you go.

MADISON: Let me see that. [Shouting] $10 for bread?

_Outside a bunch of pigeons fly away_

MADISON: I don't want to live in a society where the pre-meal bread isn't free.

WAITER: It is free if you order a meal.

CORDELIA: Can you take me home, please?

MADISON: Yeah, but I didn't even eat that much bread. What did I have? I must have had-

WAITER: You ate nine baskets, ma'am.

MADISON: Nine really? Great, now I'm gonna feel like a fat ass all week.

**ENT: Driving home in car**

MADISON: You've seen me naked. Do you think I'm getting chubby?

CORDELIA: You want to know the real reason we're breaking up?

MADISON: What was that? Sorry. Couldn't hear you over the sound of my calories not metabolizing.

CORDELIA: This is so classic you. You're using this bread thing to avoid talking about our relationship.

MADISON: No, that is definitely not happening.

CORDELIA: I'd like to go home now.

MADISON: You think I'm fat.

**ENT: Madison's living room**

MADISON: So yeah, technically I was dumped, but the real headline of the evening was, "Dumb girl eats bread, gets fat, the end."

NAN: What kind of headline is that?

MADISON: Wasn't there a pizza here a second ago? God damn it! Stop the presses.

NAN: You're not fat. Oh, hey, let's throw a party. That'll cheer you up.

MADISON: No, it won't. It'll cheer you up.

MADISON: I'll stand in the corner by myself eating cotton candy until I barf like I did at your last party.

_Flashback to Madison puking on someone_

STRANGER: Hey, aren't you the girl from Horsin' Around?

MADISON: [retching]

NAN: That was a good party. Hey, didn't we get a cotton candy machine for that party?

MADISON: Who told you Cordelia and I broke up?

NAN: She did.

MADISON: What?

CORDELIA: You never took me home, jerk!

MADISON: Oh, everything's my fault.

CORDELIA: Take me home.

MADISON: Okay, jeez. But I'm not looking for parking in Silver Lake.

I'll slow the car down to a crawl, and you can duck and roll.

CORDELIA: You know what, you can take a last look at this face, because it's the last time you're gonna see it-

MADISON: Hey-up! 

CORDELIA: [screams]

_Madison pushes her out of a moving car, but like a cat, she lands on her feet._

OPERATOR: [cell phone vibrates] [upbeat tune plays]

MADISON: Hello? 

SPALDING: I've got Cordelia Goode for you.

MADISON: Uh, okay.

CORDELIA: Madison.

MADISON: Oh, my God, we just broke up.

CORDELIA: Yeah, but I'm still your agent. I pride myself on my ability to separate my professional life from my personal life.

MADISON: Great. Then, as my agent, do you think I'm getting fat?

CORDELIA: No way. You are in the prime of your life, never looked better.

MADISON: What about as my ex-girlfriend?

CORDELIA: You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.

MADISON: Wait, wait, so which pile of crap do I look like?

CORDELIA: The third one.

MADISON: What? That's the worst one.

CORDELIA: I'm not calling you as your ex. I'm calling you as your agent.

Remember that book you're pretending to write? Well, Hawthorne wants an update on your progress.

Does Tuesday work for you, or are you gonna be too busy this week masturbating to old pictures of yourself?

MADISON: I told you, that's not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented.

You walked in at the worst possible moment!

CORDELIA: So, Tuesday, though?

MADISON: Yes, fine!

[laid-back rock music] **ENT: Hawthorne HQ**

_People are running around_

BEHOLD: You don't have anything?

MADISON: Hey, you got the electricity back. Good for you.

_An employee commits suicide and lands on a car cause in the alarm to go off, Behold shuts the blinds_

BEHOLD: This company is in dire straits. [screams] [alarm blares] We made a series of very bad investments.

Ever hear of a young adult franchise called the Swamp Monsters of Malibu?

MADISON: Uh, no.

BEHOLD: Then why did we spend $20 million on marketing?

_Cries and slams on his desk_

It's okay, Behold, go to your happy place.

Uh Look, I know you're a busy lady.

MADISON: Actually, I am a busy lady. I live a very active lifestyle.

**ENT: Madison's living room, he's watching T.V**

MALLORY: Can't I just stay home with you?

MADISON ON TV: I know kindergarten is scary, but you're a big girl now, and you have to be brave.

MALLORY: Okay, Mommy.

MADISON ON TV: Wait, did you just call me "Mommy"?

MADISON: Little Mallory grew up right before our eyes, right, Nan? Nan? Nan!

NAN: What?

MADISON: Did Mallory grow up before our eyes?

NAN: Yes!

**ENT: Behold’s office**

BEHOLD: [clears throat] We're tired of waiting. We're hiring you a ghostwriter.

MADISON: Zoe "Ben-i-son"?

BEHOLD: She's great, and she's got a thing for horses. Check this out.

_Hands Madison a book_

MADISON: Hey, Secretariat. You know, I always wanted to play Secretariat in a movie.

He's kind of my personal hero. Could never get the project off the ground, though.

I mean, there was this one time I came close in the '90s, but then those pre-Fontaine movies came out and people got tired of seeing him running on-screen.

BEHOLD: Don't tell me. Tell her!

MADISON: She's cute.

BEHOLD: Call her. That's a loan, by the way.

We can't afford to be giving out free books to people, but you can take anything you want from the Swamp Monsters swag box.

[electricity crackles]

**ENT: Madison's living room**

MADISON: Oh, God, I'm a failure.

NAN: Oh, you're not a failure.

MADISON: Why did I say I could write a book?

NAN: Because you have an amazing story to tell. Relax.

MADISON: Relax? Easy for you to say, you hippie. You've never had a day of stress in your life.

_Flashback to a dark room, Nan is getting pummeled by a guy_

NAN: Ow. Why?

MOB BOSS: And that's for trying to sell E on the cartel's turf.

NAN: [coughs] Oh, where's Gabriela?

MOB BOSS: She went back to Mexico City, ese, to be with her husband.

NAN: What? No! - Gabriela, why?

MADISON: Who? We were talking about me. Can you try to focus for, like, a second?

NAN: Oh, yeah, sorry. You were saying?

MADISON: Never should have signed this book deal. You know what my problem is? I can't say no to people because I want everyone to like me.

NAN: You want everyone to like you?

MADISON: Yeah, why? Do people not like me?

NAN: Uh- _for 10 minutes_ Uh What were we talking about?

MADISON: I can see the headline now, "Stupid Madison writes a stupid book about her stupid life, nobody cares."

NAN: What newspapers are you reading?

CORDELIA: Hey, why don't you just let that lady write your book and be done with it?

MADISON: Better question, why are you in my kitchen?

CORDELIA: I'm making breakfast. We had sex last night, dummy.

MADISON: Ugh, I really got to start putting my phone on airplane mode when I drink.

CORDELIA: [hisses]

MADISON: This lady probably thinks I'm just some dumb sitcom actor.

I hate her and her stupid, impossible-to-pronounce last name, “Ben-Ben-i-ai-oi-i-son.

NAN: You haven't even met her. Give her a chance. Oh, you should invite her to the party.

MADISON: What party? Why are you so obsessed with throwing a party all of a sudden?

_Flashback to Nan getting beat up by the guy again_

NAN: Ow, ow, ow!

MOB BOSS: You know how much money we lost 'cause of you? I can't even afford a hall now for my daughter's 15th birthday, and now I got a hundred guests coming and nowhere to put them. You owe me a party, cabrÃ³n, and if you don't deliver [muffled whimpers] [gunshot]

_Mob Boss shoots guy with bag over his head_

**ENT: Madison's living room**

NAN: Because parties are fun?

MADISON: This book is really important to me. I don't want to just hand it off to some stranger.

CORDELIA: If it's so important, why have you written literally nothing in a year and a half?

MADISON: It's too much pressure. This book is my one shot at preserving my legacy.

I'm a joke, and if this book isn't good, I'm gonna be a joke forever.

Everyone thinks that I'm just this washed-up hack, but actually Oh, God, actually, what if they're right? I can't breathe.

Am I dying? Toast. I smell burning toast!

CORDELIA: Oh, my God, my toast!

MADISON: [Dying] Nan, on my grave, I want it to say that I was born in 2005.

NAN: No one's gonna believe-

MADISON: Damn it, can't you respect a dying girl's wish?

NAN: You're not dying.

**ENT: Hospital on a t.v. screen**

DOCTOR: [monitor beeping] [steady tone] [groans] [sighs] Well, we did everything we could.

Nurse, record the time of death. It doesn't get easier. It never gets easier.

MALLORY: [both sigh] [Mallory crying] What I don't What do you mean she's dead?

DOCTOR: That's right, sweetheart. She died of a broken heart because you didn't appreciate her enough, and now she’s gone forever.

MADISON: We might have gone too dark on that series finale.

DOCTOR: I'm required to hand you over to the child protective services.

You're the state's problem now.

[crowd] No! [TV turns off]

**ENT: Hospital**

NAN: Do you just take those DVDs with you everywhere you go?

MADISON: Linus walked around with a blanket. No one gave him shit for it.

CORDELIA: How long is that doctor going to take? I have a meeting with another client at 3:00.

MADISON: You have other clients?

CORDELIA: No, I make a living off you sitting on your ass all day.

MADISON: Are your other clients more talented than I am? Your silence speaks volumes.

CORDELIA: That was my intention

DOCTOR: Well, Madison, it looks like what you experienced was a mild anxiety attack.

MADISON: Jesus, if that's mild, I don't want to know what spicy feels like.

Too smart for the room? It was a salsa joke, people.

DOCTOR: You've been overstressed. I need you to take it easy.

CORDELIA: Take it easy, are you kidding? She doesn't have a job. She has no real responsibilities.

She doesn't do anything but take it easy.

DOCTOR: Well, can you take it even easier?

MADISON: I can try, doctor. I can try.

CORDELIA: This book deal is obviously stressing you out. Will you just call the ghostwriter already?

MADISON: What, you want me to call this woman on the phone? [gasps]

_10 minutes later_

DOCTOR: Well, you just had another anxiety attack.

MADISON: And Entertainment Weekly said I wasn't consistent.

[laughs] Really, not even a pity laugh? I did almost die.

NAN: Ha.

DOCTOR: I have to check on some other patients.

MADISON: You have other patients?

NAN: Madison, let's have a party, okay? I'll organize the whole thing. You can invite the ghostwriter and have a nice, casual conversation in a fun, pressure-free environment.

MADISON: Okay, fine. We'll have a party.

NAN: Oh, thank God.

MADISON: But we're not getting a cotton candy machine.

I can't control myself around those things.

NAN: I totally hear what you are saying, and I will do my best.

**ENT: Huge party at Madison's**

[mariachi music] [singing in Spanish] [laughter] [cheering] [laughter]

MOB BOSS: Senorita Montgomery, I will never forget your generosity today. You have made a powerful ally for life. Mwah. Let's dance!

MADISON: Nan, who was that guy? Who are all these people?

NAN: Oh, you know, just a variety of folks from all walks of life.

MADISON: Is this a Quinceanera?

NAN: Oh, so any party with Mexican teenage girls is a Quinceanera? Now who's racist? [laughter]

_A girl is hitting a horse pinata in front of a Quinceanera banner, there are a bunch of girls next to her, cheering_

MADISON: I find that pinata offensive.

NAN: If you'll excuse me, I have a Virgin of Guadalupe pendant to present.

_Madison spots Zoe but Kyle comes over_

KYLE: Madison!

MADISON: Oh, good Lord. Hey, Kyle.

KYLE: Can you believe this, the two of us in the same house? Is this a crossover episode? No, I'm just kidding around, man. Seriously, though, how are you?

MADISON: Well, I've been kind of up and -

KYLE: (Interrupting) Living the dream, huh? Yeah. Hey, we'll catch up later, all right? I want to talk to you. Erica, how are you looking so beautiful? I'm furious.

ZOE: Hey, Madison, right? Madison Montgomery?

MADISON: Yes. Oh, I'm I'm sorry, I don't want to mispronounce your name.

ZOE: It's Zoe.

MADISON: Oh, Zoe.

ZOE: Thanks for inviting me to your party. Sorry I haven't really been mingling. I get kind of awkward at parties.

MADISON: Have you tried alcohol?

ZOE: I don't know. Parties make me anxious in a real broad sense. Like, look at that guy. He's having fun. Why haven't I figured it out?

MADISON: What guy?

ZOE: No, there's no guy there. I'm just saying, like, a guy, you know?

MADISON: Oh, okay, yeah.

ZOE: I'm probably just overthinking it because I never got the practice because I didn't get invited to any parties in high school.

What am I talking about? You don't care about any of that. Shut up, Zoe. You're at a party, compliment the host.

You have a lovely home.

MADISON: Yeah, well, if you're gonna throw away most of your young life on some dumb sitcom, you might as well get a sweet house out of the deal, right?

ZOE: So what are you working on these days?

MADISON: Well, mostly I just sit around the house and complain about things.

ZOE: Yeah, how's that working out for you?

MADISON: I can't complain, so you know.

KYLE: No, I will not have sex with you! This girl wants me to have sex with her. No, I'm just kidding around. You're a good sport.

MADISON: Ugh, you know who that is?

ZOE: Kyle Spencer?

MADISON: Yeah, he was on that show Kyle’s House about that guy who adopted the three kids.

What a dumb idea for a TV show.

KYLE: You people are all right. Who wants an autograph?

MADISON: He's so stupid he doesn't realize how miserable he should be. I envy that.

ZOE: Hey, do you know the story of the dad from The Brady Bunch?

MADISON: Do I know his story? If I recall correctly, he was bringing up three boys of his own.

ZOE: Right, but-

MADISON: They were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is profoundly sad.

ZOE: No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered it beneath him. Sound familiar?

MADISON: That's not all that was beneath him. Gay joke. Sorry, I'm better than that.

ZOE: Most people don't even get to do The Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives. You're actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty much do anything you want. You're responsible for your own happiness, you know?

MADISON: Good Lord, that's depressing.

ZOE: No, it's not.

MADISON: I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast.

_Flashback to Madison struggling to make her own cereal_

MADISON: Nan! I need help.

ZOE: What would make you happy?

MADISON: Well, finishing my memoir, I guess.

ZOE: Is that all? I can help you with that.

MADISON: Yeah? I mean, would you even want to? You'd have to spend a lot of time with me. You'd probably get sick of me.

ZOE: I don't think that's going to happen.

MADISON: No?

ZOE: No, Madison.

MADISON: Okay. Well, then I guess you're hired, but don't put all that stuff about how sad I am in the book.

ZOE: Oh, that doesn't count. We weren't on the clock yet.

MADISON: Yeah, exactly. You're only my ghostwriter starting nah - Starting now.

ZOE: You got it.

KYLE: Madison!

MADISON: Ugh, this guy.

KYLE: Hey, man, wanted to let you know, you are out of beer. Oh, I see you've met my beautiful girlfriend, Zoe Benson.

MADISON: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. You drank all my beer? Also, you two are dating?

KYLE: Yeah.

MADISON: You're dating him?

ZOE: Yes.

MADISON: This is your boyfriend?

KYLE: That is correct.

ZOE: Uh-huh.

MADISON: You are going out with you?

ZOE: Uh-huh.

MADISON: But in a sexual way, not just as friends?

KYLE: That's right.

MADISON: You have seen her naked.

KYLE: Many times, yes.

MADISON: You are attracted to this?

ZOE: Yes.

MADISON: This penis has been inside this vagina.

KYLE: Yep.

MADISON: But in a sexual way.

KYLE: Oh, yes.

MADISON: Humph. [retching]

ZOE: Ugh.

KYLE: Oh, my God.

MADISON: [retching]

ZOE: Are you okay?

MADISON: I'm just [retching] I'm fine. I'm just- I'm really happy for you. [retching]

KYLE: Should we get someone, or-

MADISON: No, everything's Oh, this is really Wonderful. Oh, God. [retching] Starting now.


	2. Madison Hates the Troops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madison finds herself the subject of national media attention after she calls the troops "jerks."

**INT. BAR**  
  
 _Madison is sitting at the bar counter._  
  
BARTENDER: Say when.  
  
 _Madison's cup overflows._  
  
MADISON: When.  
  
 _A girl sitting in the back of the bar is talking on the phone._  
  
GIRL: Yeah, you'll never guess who's here. Think 2000s. No, Madison Montgomery from _Horsin' Around._ No, I mean she got a little fatter, but it's definitely her. She looks really sad. It's hilarious. ( _Laughs_ ) Get over here, now!  
  
 _Madison gets a call from Cordelia._  
  
MADISON: I told you I don't know where it is. Don't put things in my butt if you want them back.  
  
 _Cut to receptionist desk outside Cordelia's office. Spalding, the receptionist, is on the other end of the phone._  
  
SPALDING: ...And hold for Cordelia, please?  
  
MADISON: Thanks, Spalding.  
  
 _A jingle plays over the phone._

JINGLE: When you're walking alone / Because Jellicles are and Jellicles do / Jellicles do and Jelli--  
  
 _Cut to Cordelia's office._  
  
CORDELIA: Madison! It's your favorite agent.  
  
 _Cut to bar._  
  
MADISON: Yeah, some agent. You couldn't even get me in the room for _War Horse._ There were, like, three women in that movie.  
  
 _Cut to Cordelia's office._  
  
CORDELIA: Listen, dummy, I want to make sure you're all set for your first day with Zoe tomorrow.  
  
 _Cut to bar._  
  
MADISON: Is she gonna ask me a bunch of personal questions?  
  
 _Cut to Cordelia's office._  
  
CORDELIA: The woman we're paying to ghostwrite your memoir? Yeah, probably.  
  
 _Cut to bar._  
  
MADISON: Okay, alright, there's no need to get--  
  
 _Cut to Cordelia's office._  
  
CORDELIA: What, cordy? Are you gonna say cordy?  
  
 _Cut to bar._  
  
MADISON: I was not gonna say cordy.  
  
CORDELIA (V.O.): Oh, what were you gonna say?  
  
MADISON: I was gonna say cordy, because you're Cordelia.  
  
 _Cut to Cordelia's office._  
  
CORDELIA: Goodbye, Madison.  
  
 _Cut to bar._  
  
MADISON: Spalding, I know you're listening! You got it, right?  
  
 _Cut to receptionist desk outside Cordelia's office. Cordelia opens the door and pokes her head out. Spalding is holding the phone to his ear._  
  
CORDELIA: Spalding, do not respond to her. Goodbye, Madison.  
  
 _Cut to bar. Madison hangs up the phone._  
  
MADISON: She got it.  
  
 _GIRL and friends are taking pictures of Madison and laughing. Madison downs her drink and gets up to leave._  
  
GIRL: Oh my god. Take another one. Take another one!  
  
 _Madison stops at the door. Cut to GIRL and friends. Madison walks up to them._  
  
MADISON: Excuse me, I just wanted you to know that you ruined someone else's night tonight, and I hope you have enough decency to at least feel a little bit crappy about it.  
  
GIRL: Excuse me?  
  
MADISON: I was actually already in a bad mood, but I thought maybe, for one night, I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself, but now because of you and your friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever.  
  
GIRL: If we were bothering you so much, why didn't you just leave?  
  
MADISON: Because I didn't think of that, and now I feel stupid!  
  
GIRL: Look, I have a right to be here.  
  
MADISON: No!  
  
 _The girl's friends look surprised, almost scared._  
  
MADISON: Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things, but I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you, and you're a horrible person, and you not understanding that you're a horrible person doesn't make you less of a horrible person.  
  
GIRL: You think I'm pretty?  
  
 _Cut to Madison's apartment viewed from the street. Madison's car is improperly parked with the passenger door ajar. A trail of clothing leads up to the apartment door._  
  
 **INT. MADISON's BEDROOM**  
  
 _Madison and GIRL are sitting up in bed. Madison is smoking a cigarette._  
  
MADISON: Well, that was another in a long series of regrettable life choices.  
  
GIRL: What'd you say? I was tweeting about all the weird stuff you do in bed.  
  
 **TITLE SEQUENCE**  
  
 _Cut to Madison's apartment from the same street view. It is now day. The scene remains otherwise unchanged._  
  
 **INT. MADISON'S LIVING ROOM**  
  
 _Madison walks through the living room, rubbing her face. GIRL walks up to her carrying a plate of food._  
  
GIRL: Good morning!  
  
MADISON: Ahh! Why are you here?  
  
GIRL: I Slept here.  
  
MADISON: Yeah, but why are you still here?  
  
 _GIRL waves her Toaster Strudel in the air._  
  
GIRL: Breakfast!  
  
MADISON: That better not be my last Toaster Strudel.  
  
GIRL: No, there were three left.  
  
MADISON: Well, get out of here. My memoirist is gonna show up soon, and I don't need you-- What's your name?  
  
GIRL: Pam.  
  
MADISON: I don't need you Pam-ing up the place when she gets here.  
  
 _PAM bites her toaster strudel. MADISON walks past her. ZOE spins around in her chair. She is eating a Toaster Strudel._  
  
ZOE: Hey, Madison.  
  
MADISON: Ahh! Why are you here?  
  
ZOE: You told me to come at 9:00.  
  
MADISON: That doesn't sound like me.  
  
ZOE: I have your email right here.  
  
 _ZOE holds up her smartphone and reads from it._  
  
ZOE: ( _Clears throat_ ) "Zoe, why don't you come over Tuesday morning at 9:00? Also, you should bring this email with you because I might not remember it because I just took a bunch of horse tranquilizers, ha ha. Also, please don't put in my book that I use horse tranquilizers, ha ha. I just use a small dose to help me fall asleep at night and then a much, much larger dose to get me through the day. Also, I'm drunk. Also, I'm alone, so alone, so, so alone. Please don't put that in my book, book, book, book 'em, dildo. Does it taste like magenta in here?" Then I think you fell asleep on the keyboard, because it just says the letter "B" 27 times.  
  
MADISON: That does sound like me.  
  
 _PAM walks up behind MADISON. ZOE stands up from her chair. MADISON ushers her away from ZOE._  
  
MADISON: Well, anyway, this is my businessperson...  
  
PAM: Excuse me?  
  
MADISON: ...here to help me with some business needs. All very above board.  
  
PAM: Uh, what'd you say?  
  
MADISON: No need to mention her in the book either, unless it's a business book. ( _Laughs_ )  
  
 _KYLE comes out from behind the fridge door and closes it._  
  
KYLE: Ha ha, classic Madison!  
  
MADISON: Why are you here?  
  
KYLE: Oh, funny story! I'm filming a reality show later, so I thought I'd drop by with the old tennis ball and chain.  
  
 _KYLE wraps his arm around ZOE._  
  
MADISON: That is neither funny nor a story nor a reason for you to drop by.  
  
 _ZOE scratches KYLE on the head. KYLE pants._  
  
ZOE: Aw, he just wanted to come over and brag about his reality show.  
  
KY7LE: Get this, I am starring in a pilot presentation for a celebrity reality show. It's pretty cutting edge, huh?  
  
MADISON: Yeah, if it's 2003.  
  
KYLE: Ha ha, don't tell VH1 that! Seriously, though, please don't tell VH1 that. We are calling it _Kyle and Krazy._ Get it? Because I'm Kyle.  
  
MADISON: Okay, who's Krazy?  
  
KYLE: No, no, no, it's like an expression. It's wordplay.  
  
MADISON: You may have too forgiving a definition of the word "wordplay."  
  
KYLE: Well, it's a working title.  
  
MADISON: Well, it could be working harder, and that's wordplay. How'd you even get in here?  
  
ZOE: Your roommate let us in.  
  
 _NANs hand shoots up into the frame, holding a Toaster Strudel._  
  
NAN (O.S.): Mi casa es su casa.  
  
 _Cut to side view of the group._  
  
MADISON: And that is the last of the Toaster Strudels, and now my morning is ruined.  
  
NAN: Could you guys keep it down, okay? I'm kind of on a date right now.  
  
 _Cut to a close-up of NAN, laying on the couch. She is wearing a dress._  
  
NAN: ( _Speaking Japanese_ ) In America, I am actually considered very beautiful.  
  
 _Cut to close-up of NAN's computer screen. A Japanese guy is video chatting with her. He laughs. Cut to full view of the group._  
  
MADISON: Okay, I'm gonna go get breakfast, and when I get back, I want everyone out of my house except for you and...  
  
 _MADISON points at NAN._  
  
MADISON: ...you and--  
  
 _MADISON points at ZOE, then turns to PAM and points at her._  
  
MADISON: Who are you again?  
  
PAM: The girl you had sex with.  
  
MADISON: Right. You definitely should have already been gone.  
  
 _Cut to the parking lot of J'Von's Supermarket. MADISON swerves into a space in the parking lot. The tires screech._  
  
 **INT. J'VON'S SUPERMARKET**  
  
 _Two women are talking._  
  
WOMAN: I really shouldn't eat chocolate 'cause it can literally kill me.  
  
WOMAN: Oh, I know.  
  
WOMAN: But I love chocolate.  
  
WOMAN: Story of my life.  
  
 _The women laugh. MADISON walks by behind the women. She is holding a grocery basket. Cut to close-up on MADISON as he browses produce. She finds a box of "Muffin Man Apple Muffins."_  
  
NAVY MAN (O.S.): Hey, excuse me.  
  
 _Cut to full view of MADISON and NAVY MAN. NAVY MAN is standing behind MADISON._  
  
MADISON: Yes, I am Madison Montgomery, star of _Horsin' Around._  
  
NAVY MAN: Yeah, okay, I don't care. Those are my muffins.  
  
 _MADISON turns to face NAVY MAN._  
  
MADISON: I'm sorry, I-- I don't understand. Did you bring them into the store with you?  
  
NAVY MAN: No, but I was going to buy them. That's the last box and I had dibs on them.  
  
MADISON: Really? You had dibs?  
  
NAVY MAN: Yeah, dibs. I just put them down for a second while I went to the bathroom.  
  
MADISON: Look, I don't even want the muffins. I was just looking at them, but I got to say, if you put muffins down, they're not your muffins.  
  
NAVY MAN: So what, I was supposed to take the muffins into the bathroom with me?  
  
MADISON: You didn't even put the muffins in a cart. You just left them out here.  
  
NAVY MAN: Yeah, in the produce section. Clearly, muffins aren't supposed to be in the produce section. That wasn't a sign to you that maybe someone else had dibs?  
  
MADISON: Look, I don't want to get into a whole thing here.  
  
NAVY MAN: Then give me the muffins.  
  
MADISON: No, 'cause maybe now I want the muffins.  
  
 _MADISON tosses the muffins into her grocery basket._  
  
NAVY MAN: You think that because you're a pseudo-celebrity, normal rules don't apply to you?  
  
MADISON: Pseudo?! Would you say that to Eric McCormack? Look, I've had a rough morning, so I don't need--  
  
 _Cut to a closeup of NAVY MAN. He turns away briefly while speaking._  
  
NAVY MAN: You've had a rough morning? I spent the last ten months--  
  
 _NAVY MAN turns back to look at MADISON. Cut to a wide view of the scene. MADION has left. NAVY MAN calls after MADISON._  
  
NAVY MAN: Hey!  
  
 _Cut to the cash registers. MADISON finishes paying the cashier for the muffins. MADISON calls back to NAVY MAN._  
  
BOJACK: Sorry, wasn't listening. See ya!  
  
 _Cut to an extreme closeup of NAVY MAN._  
  
NAVY MAN: You're going to regret this, Madison Montgomery.  
  
 _Cut to a closeup on MADISON, facing the exit with plastic bag in hand._  
  
MADISON: Oh really? I'm gonna regret buying muffins?  
  
 _MADISON takes the muffins out of the plastic bag._  
  
MADISON: What, have they got a lot of saturated fat in them?  
  
 _MADISON flips over the box of muffins and reads the back label._  
  
MADISON: Oh, man, they do have a lot of saturated fat.  
  
 _Cut to a wide view of MADISON and the cash registers._  
  
MADISON: Why'd I buy these?  
  
 _Cut to a cliffside view of MADISON's apartment and the town below._  
  
 **INT. MADISON'S KITCHEN**  
  
 _ZOE and NAN are sitting at the kitchen table. ZOE is using a laptop. NAN is staring at the ceiling, smiling. MADISON is lying on the floor with her hand in the box of muffins._  
  
MADISON: Man, I really regret buying those muffins and then eating them all on the drive home.  
  
NAN: Well, my date with Ayako went really well. Thanks for asking.  
  
 _MADISON raises her head and points at NAN with her muffin-box hand._  
  
MADISON: I specifically didn't ask, and I'll thank you to respect my total lack of interest in your personal life.  
  
 _Cut to a closeup of NAN and ZOE._  
  
NAN: He's hilarious. I never met a guy who was so curious about American bank routing numbers.  
  
 _MADISON enters the frame, sitting at the table next to ZOE._  
  
MADISON: Still not interested.  
  
ZOE: Should we get started on the book?  
  
MADISON: What's your hurry?  
  
NAN: What do you guys think I should get Ayako for our 12-hour anniversary? He wants a framed picture of my mother's maiden name.  
  
 _MADISON stands up._  
  
MADISON: Okay, let's get to work.  
  
 _Cut to a distant street view of MADISON's apartment. Outside the gate, a man is trimming the hedges with shears._  
  
ZOE (V.O.): Let's start at the beginning.  
  
 **INT. MADISON'S OFFICE**  
  
 _MADISON is sitting behind her desk, drinking an alcoholic beverage. ZOE is sitting on the other side of the desk with her laptop._  
  
ZOE: What was your childhood like?  
  
MADISON: Normal.  
  
ZOE: Normal?  
  
MADISON: Yeah, it was, uh, normal-- normal childhood stuff.  
  
 _Cut to a flashback of MADISON's childhood home. MADISON'S DAD is sitting at the kitchen table reading a newspaper. MADISON'S MOM walks up to him carrying a plate with an omelet on it. She is smoking a cigarette._  
  
MADISON'S MOM: Here's your omelet.  
  
 _MADISON's DAD looks up from his paper. MADISON'S MOM throws the plate onto the table. The omelet falls halfway off the plate._  
  
MADISON'S MOM: I'm sorry it's not as good as the omelets your secretary makes, but then you're not married to your secretary, are you?  
  
MADISON'S DAD: Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an abortion, I would be.  
  
 _Pan out to reveal KID MADISON is also sitting at the table._  
  
KID MADISON: Mommy, can I have an omelet?  
  
MADISON'S MOM: You're the birthday girl.  
  
 _Cut back to MADISON's office. MADISON downs the rest of her drink and wipes her mouth._  
  
MADISON: Normal childhood, and then just get right into the big, famous part.  
  
ZOE: Look, if you're not ready to talk, we can wait.  
  
MADISON: ( _Talking over her_ ) I am ready to talk!  
  
 _MADISON stands up and paces._  
  
MADISON: Why wouldn't I want to talk about my parents? They're so normal. That's crazy.  
  
 _MADISON points at ZOE._  
  
MADISON: You sound like a crazy person, not me. Stop being so crazy, crazy. ( _Laughing_ ) Why are you calling me crazy?  
  
 _MADISON sits back down in her chair._  
  
ZOE: Okay. Was your father--  
  
 _MADISON's phone rings._  
  
MADISON: Hold on, I got to take this. Hello?  
  
SPALDING (V.O.): Hey, Madison, I've got Cordelia for you. It's urgent.  
  
MADISON: Great, put her on.  
  
SPALDING (V.O.): Just a sec. I'll see if she's available.  
  
 _A jingle plays over the phone._  
  
JINGLE: When you're walking alone / Because Jellicles are and Je--  
  
CORDELIA (V.O.): Madison...  
  
 _Cut to CORDELIA running on a treadmill at a gym._  
  
CORDELIA: ...are you watching MSNBSea right now?  
  
 _Cut to MAISON in her office._  
  
MADISON: Great question. Well, I didn't fall down on my remote, randomly changing the channel to MSNBSea while simultaneously crippling myself...  
  
 _Cut to CORDELIA running on a treadmill at a gym. She appears unamused._  
  
MADISON: ...thus physically forcing me to watch MSNBSea...  
  
 _Cut to MADISON in her office._  
  
MADISON: ...so no. No, I'm not watching MSNBSea right now.  
  
 _Cut to a wide view of CORDELIA running on a treadmill at a gym. She is flanked by two runners. A woman is standing in the background with a water bottle._  
  
CORDELIA: Yeah, well, Hamlet, you might want to turn it on. They're talking about you.  
  
 _Cut to MADISON in her office._  
  
MADISON: Ooh! Good things, I hope.  
  
 _MADISON stands up and runs off-screen. Cut to ZOE sitting her chair. She sighs and closes her laptop. Cut to a closeup of the television screen broadcasting MSNBSea. News anchor ARIEL AUGUSTUS is addressing the public._  
  
ARIEL: Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan.  
  
 _The television screen splits to reveal a video feed of NEAL MCBEAL, the NAVY MAN from the supermarket, dressed in uniform._  
  
ARIEL: Welcome to the program, Neal.  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Thank you, Ariel.  
  
 _Cut to MADISON, NAN, and ZOE watching the TV screen in MADISON's living room. NAN is sitting on the couch. MADISON is standing behind him. ZOE is standing off to the side. MADISON points to the TV._  
  
MADISON: Hey, I met this guy.  
  
 _Cut to a closeup of the TV screen._  
  
ARIEL: All Neal wanted when he got home-- and I emphasize, from Afghanistan-- was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. When he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box-- Well, tell us what happened, Neal.  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Madison Montgomery, from the 2000s sitcom _Horsin' Around_ , refused to respect my dibs.  
  
ARIEL: Have you no shame, Madison Montgomery?  
  
 _The TV screen switches to display a photo of MADISON at a Christmas party. In the photo, two women are standing to his left and a third woman is standing to his right. A man dressed as Santa Clause is standing on the far right. MADISON is sneezing all over the woman to his right._  
  
ARIEL: Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party.  
  
 _Cut to MADISON and ZOE in the living room._  
  
MADISON: ( _Distraught_ ) Oh, not the sneezing pic-- Why do they always use the sneezing picture?  
  
 _Cut to the TV screen. The display has returned to a portrait view of ARIEL._  
  
ARIEL: In the 2000s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the front lines, that is a sick joke, ma'am.  
  
 _Cut to a closeup of MADISON. She shakes her head._  
  
ARIEL: A sick, sick joke, indeed...  
  
 _Cut back to the TV screen._  
  
ARIEL: ...and you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer, for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL.  
  
 _ARIEL grunts and slams his hands on the desk. Cut to MADISON, ZOE, and NAN in the living room._  
  
NAN: Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL?  
  
MADISON: I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL. I just thought he was a regular kind of guy.  
  
 _Cut back to the TV screen. The display has returned to a split view of ARIEL and NEAL MCBEAL._  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: This is classic Hollywood elitism. Madison Montgomery thinks that because she was on TV, that makes her better than everybody. Well, guess what, Madison...

  
 _Cut back to the group in the living room._  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: ...now I'm on TV...  
  
 _MADISON shakes her head. Cut back to the TV screen. NEAL MCBEAL raises his arms._  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: ...so now I'm better than everybody!  
  
 _ARIEL repeatedly pokes his finger into the desktop in front of him for emphasis._  
  
ARIEL: That's right, Neal.  
  
 _Cut back to the group in the living room._  
  
MADISON: You didn't even have dibs, you stupid cow. ( _To ZOE and NAN._ ) You guys think I should call in and set the record straight?  
  
 _Cut to a closeup on ZOE._  
  
ZOE: Madison, these people feed off controversy. If you dignify the story with a response, it's just gonna fan--  
  
 _Cut to the TV screen. The display has returned to a portrait view of ARIEL. He is holding two fingers to his ear._  
  
ARIEL: I'm now receiving word that we've got Madison herself on the phone.  
  
 _Cut to MADISON and ZOE in the living room. MADISON takes her cell phone away from her ear and puts her hand over the receiver._  
  
MADISON: ( _To ZOE_ ) Sorry, I stopped listening. You were leading up to a "yes," right?  
  
 _Cut back to the TV screen. The display has returned to a split view of ARIEL and NEAL MCBEAL._  
  
ARIEL: Madison, what you did today was a slap in the face of America's heroes. Will you apologize?  
  
 _ARIEL and NEAL MCBEAL cross their arms simultaneously._  
  
 _Cut back to MADISON, ZOE, and NAN in the living room._  
  
MADISON: Okay, enough about America's heroes. Can we talk about dibs? Because he didn't even really have dibs. If he had legitimate dibs--  
  
 _Cut to a closeup of NEAL MCBEAL._  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Oh, I had dibs on the muffins. I hid them in the produce section!  
  
 _Cut back to the group in the living room._  
  
MADISON: You left them totally out in the open. That's hiding? How did you survive in Afghanistan?!  
  
 _Cut to a closeup of NEAL MCBEAL._  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Those are my muffins! You give me back my muffins! (Screams)  
  
 _Cut to a closeup of MADISON._  
  
MADISON: Hey, guess what, I can't give them back 'cause I ate them all, okay?  
  
 _Cut to a closeup of NAN with spoon in hand._  
  
NAN: ( _Disapprovingly_ ) Dude.  
  
 _Cut back to the TV screen._  
  
ARIEL: Hold on, just to be clear, since this morning, you ate all the muffins?  
  
 _Cut to an extreme closeup of MADISON._  
  
MADISON: Yeah, I ate them all in one sitting because I have no self-control and I hate myself.  
  
 _Pan out to MADISON and ZOE. ZOE finishes writing on a notepad and turns it towards MADISON, revealing the words, "STOP TALKING!!"_  
  
MADISON: Is that what you want to hear?  
  
 _Cut to an extreme closeup of ARIEL._  
  
ARIEL: Neal, was it a small container of muffins, like two to four muffins?  
  
 _Cut to a closeup of NEAL MCBEAL._  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: No, Ariel, there were a good deal more than that.  
  
 _Cut back to an extreme closeup of ARIEL._  
  
ARIEL: Can you remember exactly how many muffins were in the box?  
  
 _Cut to MADISON, falling to her knees in front of the TV screen._  
  
MADISON: Yeah, there were exactly 12! I ate 12 muffins, and I didn't even want one! There's your goddamn news story, the mystery of my missing goddamn self-respect! ( _Pants_ )  
  
 _Cut to a side view of the living room. MADISON picks up the remote and turns off the TV._  
  
MADISON: ( _Panting_ ) How'd I come off?  
  
 _ZOE scratches her head._  
  
NAN: Well, that went slightly better than the worst it could have possibly gone, so...hooray?  
  
 _Cut to a closeup of a horse-shaped inner tube floating in MADISON's swimming pool. An open beer bottle is resting in one of the cup holders._  
  
 **INT. MADISON'S OFFICE**  
  
 _MADISON is pouring herself another drink. ZOE is sitting across the room on a couch._  
  
MADISON: It's not even about the muffins. Everyone is just out to get me because I'm famous and so well-adjusted.  
  
ZOE: Well, at least you've got some privacy. My boyfriend's filming a reality show at our house. If I want to be alone, I have to go to the roof because it's the only place they don't have insurance to film.  
  
 _MADISON walks up to ZOE._  
  
MADISON: You go on the roof?  
  
ZOE: Yeah, just to get some work done. Is that really weird?  
  
 _MADISON sits down on the couch next to ZOE._  
  
MADISON: No, it's adorable.  
  
ZOE: When I was a kid, I used to climb up on the roof with my dad and look at the stars. What about you?  
  
 _ZOE holds up a voice recorder._  
  
ZOE: Were you close with your father?  
  
 _Cut to a flashback of KID MADISON and MADISON'S DAD. They are in the study. MADISON'S DAD is prodding a ship in a bottle with a stick. He is smoking a pipe. KID MADISON holds up a heart-shaped paper card with the word, "Daddy," written on it._  
  
KID MADISON: Happy Father's Day, Daddy.  
  
 _MADISON'S DAD takes the card and opens it vertically._  
  
MADISON'S DAD: What's this supposed to be, a lima bean?  
  
KID MADISON: It's a heart.  
  
MADISON'S DAD: That's some shoddy craftsmanship, hon.  
  
KID MADISON: I tried my best.  
  
MADISON'S DAD: No, you didn't. You slacked off and took the easy way out. In this world, you can either do things the easy way or the right way. You take a boat from here to New York, you gonna go around the horn like a gentleman or cut through the Panama Canal like some kind of democrat?  
  
KID MADISON: Um, the canal?  
  
 _MADISON'S DAD stands up and slaps KID MADISON. KID MADISON tears up._  
  
MADISON'S DAD: You go around the horn the way God intended!  
  
 _Cut back to MADISON and ZOE on the couch._  
  
MADISON: Uneventful.  
  
ZOE: What?  
  
MADISON: What?  
  
ZOE: I asked if you were close with your father, and you sat here in silence for five minutes and then said, "Uneventful."  
  
MADISON: You know what, this is a really good conversation, and I definitely want to keep having it...  
  
 _MADISON stands up._  
  
MADISON: ...but I just keep thinking about the muffins thing, so maybe we could put a pin in this thorough deconstruction of my past so I can put that other thing to be before it spirals out of con--  
  
 _Cut back to the TV screen. It is cut into thirds, with NEAL MCBEAL on the left, ARIEL in the middle, and MADISON on the right._  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: I had dibs! My dibs were on those muffins!  
  
MADISON: Your dibs were void!  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer, and this is the thanks I get?  
  
MADISON: Really, you, specifically, made America safer?  
  
ARIEL: Well, Madison, surely even you would agree that the troops are heroes.  
  
MADISON: I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.  
  
 _Pan out to a wider view of MADISON's office. ZOE, NAN, and a camera man are standing in front of MADISON. ZOE facepalms._  
  
MADISON: What?  
  
 _Cut back to the TV screen._  
  
ARIEL: Did you just say you think the troops are jerks?  
  
MADISON: Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?  
  
 **EXT. MADISON'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY**  
  
 _Two news vans are parked outside of MADISON's front gate._  
  
 **CUT TO: MADISON'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM**  
  
 _MADISON is watching the previous news broadcasting of herself on television. She is reclining in a chair with pajamas on._  
  
MADISON: No, no, no.  
  
ARIEL (recording): The troops are jerks?  
  
MADISON: Oh, God.  
  
 _MADISON's phone rings. He answers it._  
  
MADISON: Hello?  
  
SPALDING (V.O.): Cordelia needs to talk to you immediately.  
  
MADISON: Great, put her on.  
  
SPALDING: She's actually just getting out of a meeting. Can you hold for a sec?  
  
MADISON: You called me.  
  
 _A jingle plays over the phone._  
  
JINGLE: When you're walking alone / Because Jellicles are / And Jellicles do  
  
MADISON: Ugh.  
  
 _Cut to black. The words "LIKE AN HOUR LATER" appear on the screen. Cut back to MADISON in her chair. The jingle is still playing._  
  
JINGLE: Jellicles would / And Jellicles can  
  
CORDELIA: Madison.  
  
MADISON: Ah!  
  
CORDELIA: I'm gonna level with you, honey. This whole you hating the troops thing is not great.  
  
MADISON: I don't hate the troops! I just hate one specific troop. I don't even hate him, really.  
  
 _News helicopters are flying in the air outside MADISON's house. MADISON walks to the window and looks out at them._  
  
MADISON: I just think that he's wrong about the muffins.  
  
 _MADISON draws the shades._  
  
CORDELIA: I know, Madison -- just like always, you're right, and everyone else is wrong. But if you don't swallow your pride, this is never gonna let up. I know you're stubborn --  
  
MADISON: I'm not stubborn. I'm proud.  
  
CORDELIA: That's kind of the same thing.  
  
MADISON: No, it's an important distinction.  
  
CORDELIA: Okay, fine. You're not stubborn. But I'm about to tell you something very important, so I want you to listen carefully. I'm getting another call. I'm gonna have to put you on hold.  
  
 _A jingle plays over the phone._  
  
JINGLE: When you're walking alone  
  
 _MADISON sits down in her chair._  
  
JINGLE: Because Jellicles are / And Jellicles do  
  
 **CUT TO: TV BROADCAST**  
  
ARIEL: It is now day three of the great Madison jerk-off -- Really? That's the name we came up with for this? Who came up with that? Was it Randy? Did Randy come up with that?  
  
 _The broadcast splits in two. The second half shows an aerial view of MADISON's house. Protesters are standing outside the front gate._  
  
ARIEL: Anyway, the former television actor who hates our troops has not left her home since his controversial remarks on Monday about how she hates the troops.  
  
 _Cut to an interview segment with an man holding a sign that reads: "MADISON'S VIEWS ARE UNBEARABLE." The text superimposed at the bottom of the screen reads: "HAS-BEEN HATES TROOPS, LOOKS FAT."_  
  
PROTESTER: Madison Montgomery makes me sick. She voiced his opinion, even though it was unpopular, and that's the most cowardly thing a person can do.  
  
 _Cut to an interview segment with PAM. The broadcast text below her reads: "SOME GIRL WHO SLEPT WITH MADISON MONTGOMERY."_  
  
PAM: After we made love, she covered himself in sheets like an Arab.  
  
 _Cut to the white house. JOAN KAPUR, the Capitol Hill Correspondent, is speaking to the camera._  
  
JOAN KAPUR: At this very moment, Congress is voting on a major education bill that could completely restructure the --  
  
 _ARIEL cuts JOAN KAPUR off. The screen splits in half, inserting him on the left side._  
  
ARIEL: Joan, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we've got some big news on the Madison Montgomery front.  
  
 _Cut to an aerial view of MADISON's house._  
  
ARIEL (V.O.): It appears that Madison's Lexus is coming out of the garage. This is very big news, indeed.  
  
 _Cut to the Lexus. NAN is driving with ZOE in the passenger seat. The back seat is filled with dirty laundry. Reporters approach NAN and she rolls down the window._  
  
REPORTER: Any comment on Madison's controversial remarks this week?  
  
NAN: Uh, nope.  
  
 _NAN guns it and the tires screech on the pavement. Cut to the inside of the car. MADISON pops out from beneath the pile of laundry._  
  
MADISON: So where are we going?  
  
NAN: Don't worry, I've got a plan.  
  
 _NAN lets go of the wheel to dial a number on his phone. ZOE takes hold of the wheel, steadying the car._  
  
ZOE: Whoa! Jeez.  
  
 _NAN takes hold of the wheel as she puts the phone to her ear._  
  
NAN: Ayako, hey, I need you to get me three tickets to Kyoto.  
  
AYAKO (V.O., speaking Japanese): You son of a bitch!  
  
 _Cut to AYAKO's computer desk. Pictures and files of NAN are hung up all around the desk._  
  
AYAKO (speaking Japanese): You told me you were an obscenely rich American entrepreneur. You had eighty dollars in your bank account. Eighty!  
  
NAN: Hey, I meant I was rich because I have friends, like George Bailey.  
  
AYAKO (speaking Japanese): Who the shit is George Bailey? Do you have any idea how much work went into scamming you? George Bailey!  
  
 _AYAKO hangs up._  
  
NAN: Hello? Well, I'm out of ideas.  
  
ZOE: We can hide out at my place while we make a plan.  
  
 _MADISON rolls down one of the back seat windows and looks out. News helicopters are in pursuit of the car. An man rises into view. His midsection is tied to a helium balloon. He snaps a picture of MADISON._  
  
MADISON: Yeah, great, just get me away from the cameras.  
  
 **INT. ZOE AND KYLE'S HOUSE**  
  
 _MADISON is flanked by two cameras. He is sitting at a dining table with KYLE, CORDELIA, and NAN._  
  
MADISON: Do we really need to be filming this?  
  
KYLE: It's for my reality show. You never know when gold's gonna strike.  
  
MADISON: Yeah, gold doesn't strike.  
  
KYLE: That's why you never know.  
  
CORDELIA: Madison, be nice.  
  
KYLE: Just pretend they're not there.  
  
MADISON: Okay. Well, I --  
  
SOUND GUY: Could you speak up, please?  
  
MADISON (loudly): I'd like to --  
  
SOUND GUY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's too loud.  
  
MADISON: I want to fix this as quickly as possible. I don't care who was right about the muffins anymore, even though I was definitely right. I just want my privacy back, so I can finish writing my tell-all memoir, so everyone will pay attention to me again.  
  
CORDELIA: I've already reached out to the McBeal camp. He's willing to publicly forgive you if you publicly apologize and present to him a box of muffins as a symbol of your great admiration for the American military and everything they do.  
  
MADISON: But I ate the muffins.  
  
CORDELIA: I know. We got another box. It's in the cupboard.  
  
MADISON: Oh, you were saving those? I ate those too.  
  
CORDELIA: We've been here for ten minutes! it's okay, we'll get more muffins.  
  
NAN: I'll get the muffins, and they're on me. I just found out I got 80 bucks in the bank. I'm helping! Hooray!  
  
 _NAN runs out the door._  
  
MADISON: So where are we gonna do this? Do I have to go on MSNBSea?  
  
CORDELIA: No, we should do it somewhere people will actually see it.  
  
KYLE: Oh, why don't you do it on Kyle and Krazy?  
  
MADISON: You can't call a show Kyle and Krazy if there's no krazy.  
  
KYLE: It's a pun.  
  
MADISON: It's not a pun if it only works one way.  
  
CORDELIA: Is this a necessary conversation to be having right now?  
  
KYLE: Look, I know tempers are high, but let's not take it out on the great title for my reality show, which we all agree is really clever.  
  
 _KYLE turns to the camera woman._  
  
KYLE (whispering): We can edit this to make me look smart, right?  
  
 _The camera woman nods._  
  
 **CUT TO: ZOE AND KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT**  
  
 _The camera is focusing in on KYLE's face._  
  
KYLE: How's this look? Looks good? Okay.  
  
CAMERA MAN: Marker, sound, speed.  
  
 _The camera pans back to reveal MADISON and KYLE sitting next to each other on adjacent couches._  
  
KYLE: Well, here I am, hanging out with my good friend Madison Montgomery, enjoying each other's company, as we often do.  
  
MADISON: Yes, this is all very authentic and natural.  
  
 _The doorbell rings. KYLE perks up._  
  
KYLE: Oh, someone's at the door!  
  
 _KYLE stands and addresses the camera._  
  
KYLE: I will see who it is.  
  
 _KYLE walks to the door and ushers NEAL MCBEAL into the room._  
  
KYLE: Wow, this is a surprise. Neal McBeal.  
  
NEAL MCBEAL (to KYLE): Hello, sir. Thank you for inviting me into your home. It is lovely.  
  
KYLE: Madison, is there anything you'd like to give Neal McBeal?  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Ahem.  
  
 _KYLE gets up and walks out of the shot._  
  
MADISON: Oh, yeah, Nan?  
  
 _NAN pops up from behind the couch with a brown bag._  
  
MADISON: What the hell is this?  
  
NAN: I tried to buy the muffins, but my bank card got declined for some reason. But don't worry, I still saved the day because I found this bag of stale hamburger buns.  
  
MADISON: I'm sorry?  
  
NAN: Yeah, they're just giving them away behind In-N-Out.  
  
 _NAN hands MADISON the bag of buns._  
  
NAN: Why does anybody pay for anything?  
  
 _MADISON shoves NAN back behind the couch._  
  
NAN: Ow.  
  
MADISON: Uh, Neal, as a token of my admiration, please acccept this bag of stale hamburger buns.  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: What?  
  
MADISON: Yes, hamburger buns. It's a symbol for how we throw our veterans in the trash, sadly, far too often.

NEAL MCBEAL: I'm listening.  
  
MADISON: We send our muffins overseas, and they come back as stale hamburger buns, but that doesn't mean we should love them any less, because in their own way, aren't stale hamburger buns just as good?  
  
 _MADISON eats one of the buns._  
  
MADISON: Mmm...American made.  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: So what you're saying is, you think I'm a hero.  
  
MADISON: Well, I don't know if I --  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Say it, Madison. Say I'm a hero.  
  
MADISON: You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one.  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Great.  
  
 _NEAL MCBEAL grabs and tugs on the bag of hamburger buns, but MADISON resists._  
  
MADISON: And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns.  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Okay, you can let go of the bag now.  
  
MADISON: Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard.  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Yeah, me neither. I think we're in agreement here.  
  
MADISON: Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Okay.  
  
MADISON: And finally, I don't --  
  
 _The sound guy walks into the shot._  
  
SOUND GUY: Hey, look! Kyle's got a bucket stuck on his head.  
  
KYLE: Guys, guys, where am I? Can someone tell me where I am?  
  
NEAL MCBEAL: Hey, where'd he get that bucket from? Who gave him a bucket?  
  
 _NEAL MCBEAL laughs and walks off screen._  
  
MADISON: Uh, actually, I had another point I wanted to make.  
  
 _NAN climbs over the couch._  
  
NAN: Yeah, but who doesn't love a guy with a bucket on his head? Come on. Bucket! Bucket!  
  
 _Everyone gathers around KYLE._  
  
ALL (minus MADISON): Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Bucket!  
  
KYLE: Hey, can anyone find a handle?  
  
 _The camera girl pulls the bucket off his head. Everyone cheers._  
  
KYLE: Oh, thank you, my friend. You're a real hero.  
  
MADISON: Unbelievable.  
  
KYLE: What's your name, young lady?  
  
CAMERA GIRL: Well, my real name's Kelsey, but my friends call me Krazy.  
  
KYLE: What? Oh, my god, did we get that? Please tell me we got that.  
  
 _MADISON leaves the scene. She climbs out the second floor window with the bag of stale hamburger buns. ZOE is sitting on the roof smoking a cigarette. She sits down next to her, then pulls out one of the buns._  
  
MADISON: You want a day-old hamburger bun?  
  
ZOE: I'm all right. How'd it go down there?  
  
MADISON: You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth.  
  
ZOE: I want to hear the truth. I don't know if you want to tell it, though.  
  
MADISON: What do you mean?  
  
ZOE: Miss Normal Childhood, Miss Uneventful Father? Look, I can write you the standard empty-calorie celebrity tell-some, if that's what you're looking for, but I thought you might want more than that.  
  
MADISON: I do.  
  
ZOE: Well, then you're going to have to open up and give me something real.  
  
MADISON: What, you think I can't open up?  
  
ZOE: Well, I don't know if you can or not. You certainly haven't.  
  
MADISON: Okay, from now on, full truth, warts and all.  
You're not gonna make me look like an asshole, are you?  
  
ZOE: I don't know, are you an asshole?  
  
MADISON: Okay, full truth, here we go.  
You want to know about my parents? They drank a lot. My father was a failed novelist. My mother was the heiress to the Montgomery sugar cubes fortune, and my dad resented her for it. He used to make me cry with him while listening to Cole Porter records. He made me build my own tree house, and then he tore it down while I was at summer camp because instead of hearty, Christian nails, I used screws, which he called fancy Jew nails. Like I said, totally normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo hoo another chapter


	3. Prickly-Muffin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madison reconnects with a friend from her past who moves into her house and creates pandemonium.

**INT: Kitchen of an 80's furnished house.**

MADISON: Who wants chocolate chip pancakes?

_Madison is holding a high stack of pancakes, Gallant and Coco sit at the table._

GALLANT: I do! I do!

COCO: Gallant, didn't you already eat your pancakes?

GALLANT: As Oliver North would say, "I do not recall."

_The live studio audience laughs. Madison sets the plate down and looks around._

MADISON: Hey, where's Mallory?

_The camera pans out to show the entire table._

MALLORY: Not hiding under the table, that's for sure.

_The live studio audience 'awws'. Madison puts her hands on Coco and Gallant's shoulders._

MADISON: Why don't you guys leave this one to me?

_Madison crouches by the table and pulls up the tablecloth, revealing a sad Mallory._

MADISON: Why aren't you dressed for school, prickly muffin?

MALLORY: I'm scared. Coco told me sometimes at school, they have pop quizzes. I don't want to pop!

That's too much, man.

_The live studio audience laughs and applauds._

MADISON: [laughs] Mallory, nobody's popping on my watch. You stick with me, and I promise you, everything's gonna be just fine.

DIRECTOR: Cut! Boom in the shot.

_The boom mic is obviously in the shot, being lifted up as the Director points it out._

MADISON: What? I'll be in my trailer.

_The live studio audience laughs. Madison stands up._

MADISON: Nah, I'm just horsin' around.

_The live studio audience laughs and applauds at Madison's joke._

MADISON: You folks enjoying the show?

_The crowd cheers._

MADISON: And how about Mallory? Isn't she wonderful?

 _The crowd keeps_ cheering.

MALLORY: Oh- [chuckles] thank you.

MADISON: Mallory. You remember that name.

SUPERVISOR: Back to one, everybody.

_Madison crouches back down to Mallory._

MADISON: Hey, you see those people?

MALLORY: Yeah.

MADISON: Well, those boobs and jerk wads are the best friends you'll ever have. Without them, you're nothing. Remember that. 

SUPERVISOR: Let's take it back to "prickly muffin."

MADISON: Your family will never understand you, your lovers will leave you or try to change you, but your fans, you be good to them, and they'll be good to you. 

SUPERVISOR: We are rolling. Sound speed.

_Music starts to slowly intensify as Madison speaks._

MADISON: The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there's nothing left to empty. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling-

_Mallory looks more terrified._

MADISON: And you give those people what they want. 

SUPERVISOR: And action.

MADISON: [very intensely] Why aren't you dressed for school, prickly muffin?

_Twelve years later_

TV HOST: You might remember her from Horsin' Around, but on her new dance pop album, Mallory wants you to know that she is hot to trot.

_An upbeat song starts playing as it shows a music video by Mallory._

MALLORY: Why don't you touch My prickly muffin? My prickly muffin. Ooh, prickly and it's muffin, and it's-- [gasps] It's ready for your stuffing."

_It switches back to an interview between TV Host and Mallory._

TV HOST: What is the message behind your music?

MALLORY: America needs to know that I'm not that little girl anymore. I'm a grown up, sophisticated woman now, and I have sex, and I do sexy things. People like sex, okay, and since I'm sexy right now, they like me.

TV HOST: Are you at all worried that audiences will grow bored and abandon you for the next sexy thing?

MALLORY: Are you kidding? I'm freaking Mallory. I'm gonna be sexy forever!

 _Mallory spins in her chair._ _Another twelve years_ _later_

TV HOST: Pop star and child actress, Mallory, celebrates her 20 birthday this month, raising the question, "does anyone care about Mallory anymore?" After all, she is 20. Here to answer that question, sexy 30-year-old dubstep wunderkind, Dinah Stevens.

DINAH: Hey!

_The crowd applauds._

TV HOST: Dinah, what's your take?

DINAH: I love Mallory, I grew up on her music, okay, and she's like an inspiration, but now, she is old, and shriveled, and gross, and nobody wants her no more, okay? They want Dinah Stevens, baby!

TV HOST: Haha! You're delightful. So where does Mallory go from here?

DINAH: Oh, you know where she should go? She should go wherever famous people go when they're done being famous and nobody cares if they live or die.

_Cut to Madison's house, the doorbell ringing. Then cut to Madison and Zoe sitting in Madison's office._

MADISON: Who could that be?

**Intro with funky electronic music**

_Five hours earlier. Nan walks into Madion's room, where she is laying in bed._

NAN: Who-o-o wants chocolate chip pancakes? I do! I do!

MADISON: Why are you talking to me?

NAN: I thought maybe if I said that, you'd make me chocolate chip pancakes.

MADISON: [groans]

NAN: Oh, come on, buddy. It's a beautiful morning, the sun is shining, bird are chirping.

_Nan opens up the shades to Madison's room. Two paparazzi men are standing outside the window._

PAPARAZZI MAN 1: Hey Madison! Any plans for the weekend?

PAPARAZZI MAN 2: Still hate the troops, Mad?

PAPARAZZI MAN 1: Why didn't you refill your bird feeder, huh?

PAPARAZZI MAN 2: Yeah, who's a bird got to blow to get some feed around here?

PAPARAZZI MAN 1: [chuckles] Good one.

_Nan closes the shades._

NAN: Let's do something fun today.

MADISON: Like what?

NAN: Like a cannonball!

_Nan appears on top of the dresser, jumping onto Madison's bed, and breaking the front legs of it. Madison glares at her._

NAN: Like a "buying you a new bed"?

_Cut to "The Swine Within Reach" modern furniture store._

NAN: Wow, everything in this store is made out of old train tickets and a reclaimed pier. 

MADISON: Oh, great, for ten grand I can sleep like a hobo.

NAN: Do we need letter openers made out of Confederate bayonets? It says they're stained with authentic Yankee blood.

_A group of girls approaches Madison and Nan._

GIRL 1: O-M-G. O-M-G! O-M-M-F-C-S-D-V-R-Q-Q-P-Q-F-G!

GIRL 2: I know.

MADISON: Ugh- Yeah, it's me, straight off your TV screens and into your shitty lives. 

GIRL 1: It's Mallory and Andrew Garfield.

_Girl 1 screams and Girl 2 and Girl 3 run over, Girl 1 passes out in Madison's arms._

ANDREW: And what's your name, darling?

GIRL 2: I-- mm-- 

ANDREW: I'll just make it out to "Evelyn."

GIRL 2: Uh--

_Girl 2 passes out. Girl 3 takes the autograph._

MADISON: Um, hi. Mallory, hi. 

MALLORY: Madison? Hey. Andrew, this is Madison, my TV mom.

ANDREW: Oh, hello. I'm Andrew Garfield.

MALLORY: Andrew's my boyfriend. We're a celebrity power couple. It's no big deal. [whispering] It's a really big deal.

ANDREW: Mallory, I actually wanted to talk to you about that. When we started dating, you were the biggest star in the world, but your last few albums tanked. So now, I don't even know what you are anymore. 

_Nan walks over to Madison, they give each other a nervous look._

MALLORY: Are you-- Are you breaking up with me?

_Mallory opens up a bottle of prescription pills and dumps them into her mouth._

ANDREW: Oh, bother.

MADISON: Um, are those candy pills, 'cause if so, that is a lot of sugar. 

MALLORY: Why are you doing this to me? Do you like seeing me suffer?

_People start to gather around and watch the scene._

MALLORY: Because you know I'll bleed for you.

_Mallory grabs the letter opener off of Nan, stabbing herself in the stomach._

MALLORY: Ugh!

_Everyone gasps._

MADISON: Oh-!

NAN: Damn!

ANDREW: Oh, dear.

MADISON: Whoa-oh-oh. Um-- Um--

_Mallory is now bleeding comically heavy, spraying like a fountain._

ANDREW: Darling, please, I wanted to do this in a public place so you wouldn't make a scene. 

MALLORY: You think I won't make a scene, you limey bastard? Then you really don't know me at all. Hey everyone! Who wants to see me take a dump on that sofa?

_Everyone just stares at her, Nan then raises her hand. It then cuts to Madison and Zoe sitting in Madison's office._

MADISON: And then she took a dump on a sofa made out of a reclaimed propeller.

ZOE: Where's Mallory now?

MADISON: I checked her into Promises. 28 days, she'll be good as new.

ZOE: How did it feel to check the girl you raised on television into rehab?

MADISON: It was tough. 

_Madison swirls the alcohol in her glass._

MADISON: I would have liked to reconnect with her. At least we got to bond a little on the drive to Malibu.

_It cuts to Madison driving with Nan holding Mallory's stomach wound in the backseat._

MALLORY: I can see my organs.

NAN: Oh, whoa! She is losing a lot of blood, Madison.

_Blood splats right in Nan's face._

MADISON: Beautiful day for a drive, though, huh?

_It cuts back to Madison's office._

ZOE: Well, maybe the two of you can catch up some more when she gets out of rehab. 

MADISON: People don't usually want to hang out with me after rehab. I'm really more of a before-rehab friend. I think it's gonna be a long time before I see Mallory again.

_The doorbell rings._

MADISON: Who could that be?

_It cuts to show Madison's house, then it cuts to show Mallory sitting on a chair in Madison's kitchen. Madison is standing across from her._

MALLORY: Look, Madison, I appreciate what you were trying to do, but I don't need rehab. Look, good as new, huh?

_Mallory lifts up her shirt to reveal gray duct tape in an 'x' shape on her stomach._

MADISON: Oh great, well, that's a relief. 

_Mallory dumps out pills from a prescription bottle._

MADISON: Uh, should you be taking all those pills?

MALLORY: It's dexitriathylphenolbarbatol. I got it from a doctor.

MADISON: Your doctor or just a doctor?

MALLORY: I don't kow, some doctor, okay? I met him at Adam Levine's Halloween party. I think he said his name was Dr. Who.

MADISON: Yeah, I don't think that was--

_Mallory lifts her phone and starts crushing the pills with it. She snorts it up._

MALLORY: Ohh, God damn.

MADISON: Uh, are you supposed to be snorting it like that?

MALLORY: Ugh! What are you, the paramedic who restarted my heart at Adam Levine's Halloween party?

MADISON: Okay, so before we put to bed the whole you going to rehab thing--

MALLORY: Madison, all my life, I've never been forced to confront my problems head on. No one has ever said "no" to me, ever, so is it cool if instead of confronting my problems head on, I just hide out here for a little bit? 

MADISON: Mallory, I hear what you're saying and I think I know what you need. You just need a strong, responsible adult to say "Yes. Yes, you can move in with me." This is gonna be fun. Hey, everyone, the old gang's getting back together. 

_She sings the Horsin' Around theme song._

MADISON: Three little orphans, one, two, three--

_It cuts to outside of Madison's house._

MADISON: Who-o-o wants chocolate chip pancakes?

MALLORY: I do! I do!

_Nan walks in, looking at the two._

NAN: Uh, what's going on in here?

MADISON: Morning, sleepy-ooh, you want pancakes?

NAN: Yeah, that sounds great.

MADISON: Ooh, tough break, champ. I just gave the last one to Mallory. Early bird gets the worm.

MALLORY: More like early turd gets the sperm.

MADISON: Wha-- "Early turd gets the sperm," nice one, Mallory. You should do a Shouts and Murmurs. Help yourself to some cold wheat bran, sport.

_Madison throws the box of wheat bran on the table, in front of Nan._

NAN: Ugh.

MALLORY: Thanks for letting me crash here, Madison.

MADISON: The guest room is yours as long as you want.

NAN: You have a guest room? Why have I been sleeping on the couch for five years?

MADISON: You get the guest room when you've earned the guest room. 

MALLORY: These pancakes are so good. All Andrew ever wanted to eat was stupid lasagna.

NAN: Andrew Garfield loves lasagna?

MALLORY: I don't want to talk about him! Madison, can you drive me to the mall today? I really want to go shopping, but I'm not allowed to drive because somebody got a DUI.

_Mallory glares over to Nan._

NAN: Uh, that somebody was you, right?

MALLORY: I don't have to answer your questions! What are you, the cop that pulled me over after Adam Levine's Halloween party?

_Madison pulls up a chair and sits on it backwards._

MADISON: Honey, do you really think going to the mall's a good idea? I seem to recall another time you went shopping when things got pretty out of control. 

_It cuts to young Mallory and Madison and Mallory's hand is stuck in a gumball machine._

MALLORY: Oh, that's too much, man!

_It cuts back to the three in the kitchen._

NAN: Really? Not the time when she gored herself with a bayonet and shat on a floor model?

MALLORY: Hey, I'm not the crazy one. Andrew's the one who flies off the handle whenever his agent sets up an audition on a Monday.

NAN: Andrew Garfield hates Mondays and loves lasagna?

MALLORY: I said I don't want to talk about it!

MADISON: [shouting] She said drop it, Nan!

MALLORY: Whatever, I don't want to go to the stupid mall. I'll just tell my friends to come here.

MADISON: Muffin, I've got to work on my book today and I can't have a bunch of folks over making a lot of noise.

MALLORY: Oh, I see. I'm a burden to you.

MADISON: No, no, no, no, no. Sweetheart. Sweetheart.

MALLORY: I'm no longer cute, so I have nothing to offer this world.

_Nan stares at the two in utter confusion._

MADISON: Honey, of course your friends are always welcome here. 

MALLORY: Cool. Bye.

_Mallory stands up and walks off screen._

NAN: Can I invite a frien--

MADISON: No.

_It cuts to the beach, slowly zooming in on the Vigor building._

CORDELIA: You let that basket case into your house? That girl is a PR hurricane that you don't need right now.

MADISON: She has nowhere else to turn. She broke up with her boyfriend. She stabbed herself and closed the wound with duct tape. She fired her agent.

CORDELIA: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back it up, Madsy. Did you say Mallory doesn't have an agent? Spalding, hold my calls, cancel everything!

_Cordelia gets her coat on and grabs her briefcase._

CORDELIA: Ahab's got a white wale to catch, baby!

_Over the phone, a vase smashes on the ground and footsteps are quiet._

MADISON: Uh, hello? Still there?

_It cuts to Madison's house where tons of cars are parked, house music playing. Nan carries a bunch of items away from the party._

NAN: Oh, th-- that's-- That's fragile. 

_A mug flies by, smashing._

NAN: Uh, no, oh, no, wait.

_An intoxicated man runs by._

NAN: Careful. Careful. Careful.

_A kettle bell flies by, a crashing noise is heard._

NAN: Whoa! Hey, hey, hey!

_A man stands beside her._

NAN: Ah! Guy!

_People around her gasp and stare at her. It cuts to Mallory putting her mouth on a tube. It pans out to show two guys pouring alcohol in a funnel. Cordelia hops over the wall and walks over to where Mallory is sitting. She kicks a guy off of the chair and sits down._

RANDOM GUY: Great party, Mallory.

MALLORY: [blows raspberry]

CORDELIA: Hi, what it is, banana bread?

MALLORY: I'm not looking for a new agent right now.

CORDELIA: Oh, whoa, whoa. Who says I'm looking for a new client? Slow your roll, Speed Racer. We're just two single ladies having a no-presh rap sesh. I'm not one of those agents who can't turn it off. Your Ari Emanuals and Vanessa Geckos and what have you. 

MALLORY: Vanessa Gecko is actually Andrew's agent, and she's really great.

CORDELIA: Is she? I've heard that.

_It cuts to Madison sitting in her office, pouring herself a drink. Zoe walks in._

ZOE: I didn't realize you were so into house music.

MADISON: Look, I asked her to turn it down, but apparently, this volume was prescribed by Dr. Who to treat something called "uptight dickhead disease."

_Madison made airquotes as she said it._

MADISON: What do you-- What do you think about Mallory?

ZOE: Oh, I don't really think about her all that much. I mean, obviously I'm a fan of her early work, which both satirized and celebrated youth culture's obsession with sex, but I do wonder as a third-wave feminist if it's even possible for women to reclaim their sexuality in this deeply entrenched patriarchal society, or if claiming to do so is just a lie we tell ourselves so we can more comfortably cater to the male gaze. 

MADISON: Uh, what?

ZOE: But you know, on the other hand, I worry that conversations like this one often dismiss her as a mere puppet of the industry...

MADISON: That's my same worry.

ZOE: ...incapable of engaging in these discussions herself...

MADISON: Obviously.

ZOE: ...and infantilization, which is itself a product of the deeply misogynistic.

MADISON: So deep.

ZOE: ...society we live in. But like I said, I don't really think about her all that much.

MADISON: Okay, well, that is very interesting, but I was more asking, like, what do you think about her living here? 

ZOE: Oh, right. Well, what was your relationship like with her when you were working on the show?

MADISON: It was very good, very professional.

_It cuts to backstage of Horsin' Around, where a woman is doing Madison's make-up and man is doing Mallory's hair. Madison is reading a magazine._

MALLORY: Madison, where did you go to college?

MALLORY'S MOTHER: Don't bother her, honey.

MADISON: Oh, it's no problem.

MALLORY'S MOTHER: Honey, college is for ugly people who can't tap dance.

MALLORY: I want to be an architect.

MALLORY'S MOTHER: [laughing] Sweetheart, Mommy didn't do what Mommy did to that Star Search producer so that you could be an architect.

_The man doing Mallory's hair looks up in surprise._

MALLORY: Aw.

MADISON: Alright, take it sleazy, everybody.

MALLORY: Wait, Madison, um, what are you doing this weekend?

MADISON: I don't know. I'll probably just go to the amusement park, maybe the circus, fly a kite on the beach, watch the sunset, then I'll head back to my place to watch any number of Disney princess movies while eating ice cream straight from the tub.

_The idea of what Madison said has got Mallory very excited._

MALLORY: Whoa, that sounds like so much fun. Can I come?

MADISON: [laughing] Yeah, like I want to spend my weekend hanging out with a little girl. [laughing] Good one!

_Mallory looks very upset._

MADISON: You should write for the Shouts and Murmurs. See you Monday!

_It cuts back to Madison's office._

ZOE: So the makeup they were putting on you was not for the show, it was just for the weekend?

MADISON: Why does that matter?

ZOE: I'm just trying to understand the story. Do you think it's possible that you inviting Mallory into your house now is your way of compensating for not--

MADISON: No, Zoe, I'm just helping out a friend. I'm not trying to play out some weird, sick mom fantasy, or resolve a deep guilt for past neglect, or even try to retroactively fix my own childhood by recreating someone else's, and I'm especially not doing all those things at once!

_Madison downs her drink._

ZOE: Okay.

_A loud crash sounded outside of the office._

MADISON: What happened? Did somebody hurt my precious baby?

_She got up and ran to the door, leaving._

MADISON: Mallory! Ah! What the--?

_She turns around and spots Mallory, looking over to a painting that was shaking. The drywall crumbled._

MALLORY: Oh, hey, Madison. I told my friends they could tear this wall out to build a sweet cocaine booth/sex closet. Is that cool?

_Drills started poking its way out of the painting._

MADISON: No, that's not cool.

_Cordelia walked past, scoffing._

CORDELIA: Oof. Way to harsh the vibe, Kissinger.

MALLORY: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I thought this was a place where Mallory could finally be Mallory, but I guess...

that's too much, man.

MADISON: I always loved that catch phrase. Can your friends at least take the artwork off the wall first?

MALLORY: Ooh. I want to say yes, but no.

_Mallory walks away uninterested. Nan walks up to Madison._

MADISON: Okay, good talk.

NAN: Wha-- Are you serious?

_Madison walks away and a bunch of guys break a hole in the wall. It cuts to outside of Madison's house, house music playing again. It cuts to Madison's office, all trashed._

NAN: The reason I have called this house meeting is--

MADISON: Nan, how many times have we been over this? You don't have the authority to call house meetings. Only I can call a house meeting. You can propose a house meeting.

NAN: All right, fine, fine, fine, but the reason I propose this house meeting--

MADISON: Your proposal has been submitted and is under board review. 

_Madison finishes her drink._

MADISON: Proposal denied.

NAN: Madison, this Mallory thing is getting out of control, okay? She's taking advantage of you. 

MADISON: What? No she's not. We have a special relationship. You couldn't possibly understand.

NAN: Oh my god, look at what she's done to your house. All right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier. I think I'm addicted to heroin now, so now, that's probably gonna be a whole thing. 

ZOE: I have to say, I agree with Nan. You're not this girl's mother, and you're not doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries.

MADISON: Look, I played a mom for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about parenting than you two jokers. The kids on Horsin' Around didn't need boundaries. All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love.

NAN: Madison! This is not a TV show, okay? This is real life. 

_A man runs into the office, yelling._

MAN: Ah! Man on fire! Man on fire!

_He crashed into the wall, creating a him-shaped hole._

MADISON: Some good, old-fashioned love, and I'm gonna give it to her. I'm gonna give it to her so... hard.

_Madison walks away from them._

NAN: You know, I feel like we don't ever hang out.

_It cuts to the living room, where Mallory sits on a chair and people are all around her._

CORDELIA: Here you are, milady, a gin and nutmeg just like you asked. 

_Mallory takes the drink and takes a sip._

MALLORY: Ugh. Too much nutmeg.

_She drops the glass and Cordelia crouches down to her._

CORDELIA: Well, you know what would taste even better? An endorsement for a Slovakian yogurt. Could Vanessa Gecko get you that?

MALLORY: Vanessa Gecko got Andrew The Social Network, and she has skybox seats at the Staples Center. What do you have?

CORDELIA: Well, I've got a table at the Comedy Central roast of Gloria Stein-

_Madison walks up to the two, smiling._

MADISON: Hey Mallory, what say we spend the day together, just you and me, away from all the haters? 

MALLORY: I want to say yes, but--

MADISON: Great, let's go.

_Madison grabs her hand and pulls her off screen. It cuts to them going into the Santa Monica pier, holding hands. An upbeat song plays. A flash and it shows Madison with a dropped ice cream cone, sobbing. A second flash and it shows Madison laughing at a little girl because she dropped her own cone. A third flash shows Madison tangled in a kite screen. A fourth flash shows Madison riding a carousel. In a fifth flash, it shows them running back from the pier. It cuts to Madison and Mallory sitting on a bench at sundown, and the sun is going down a hill that looks like a butt._

MADISON: You know, Mallory, I got a feeling everything's gonna be okay.

MALLORY: Uh-huh. Hey, did you hear Moore got cancer? 

MADISON: What? John Henry Moore has cancer?

MALLORY: Yeah, in the butt. He got, like, six months I think.

MADISON: Well, that's horrible. Why would you tell me that now?

MALLORY: I don't know. The sun setting over those two hills made me think of a big ass, and that made me think of ass cancer, and that made me think of John Henry Moore's ass cancer. You really didn't know? 

MADISON: No, John Henry and I aren't on the best-- Look, I'm trying to have a moment here. I can't-- Hey, I want to give you something.

_Madison gives Mallory a trophy._

MALLORY: Is this your TV Guide award?

MADISON: It's the most prestigious award I ever won. I always thought if I ever had kids of my own, I'd give it to them one day. I want you to have it. 

MALLORY: Oh, wow. Madison, thanks. You're sweet.

MADISON: [sighs] Na-na-na-na, La-la-la-la, Na-na-na-na, La-la-la-la--

MALLORY: What are you doing?

MADISON: Shh, just let the credits roll, let the credits roll. Sha-na-na-na-na-na Special moment. Exec Producer Garry Marshall, na-na-na, such a happy day. "Sit, Ubu, sit." "Good dog." "Arf." 

MALLORY: Can we go home now?

MADISON: Yeah, okay, we're done.

_It cuts back to Madison's house, where even more cars are parked. Madison's phone rings and she picks it up._

MADISON: Hello?

KYLE: Madison Montgomery. Did you get rid of your old TV Guide award? This pawnshop on La Cienega was selling one with your name on it.

_Madison sits up, eyes widening._

MADISON: What? Wait, why were you at a pawnshop?

KYLE: Oh, I just have a guy there who calls me whenever TV awards come in so I can buy 'em. I put my name on, it's like I won it myself! I have two Golden Globes and a People's Choice for Temple Grandin. 

_Madison jumps off the bed, tossing her phone on the bed._

MADISON: Mallory!

_It cuts to Kyle in his house._

KYLE: Hello? You still there? 

_It cuts to Madison's living room, where the music stops abruptly with a record scratch._

MADISON: Okay, party's over. Everybody out.

_She stops Mallory._

MADISON: Not you. You are in big trouble, young lady. I can't believe you pawned my award.

MALLORY: It wasn't personal. I just thought your award was stupid, and I already have a billion other awards, and I wanted to get money for drugs.

MADISON: Look, things have been tough for you, and I understand that. I know what you're going through right now. 

MALLORY: [chuckling] Oh, you know what I'm going through? Why? Because you were on some dumb kids show a million years ago?

MADISON: Hey, now. 

MALLORY: I had my own fashion line when I was ten. By 16, I was packing stadiums. I get letters every day from boys telling me that I was the first girl they masturbated to. Literally, everyone tells me that every day.

MADISON: That is gross.

MALLORY: Oh-ho, I know! You sit up here in your little house and feel sorry for yourself? Oh, guess what, Maddie, in order to be a has-been, you have to have actually, you know, been.

MADISON: You are way out of line!

MALLORY: You're not my mom. You're just a rugged, older woman who provided me with a strong feminine presence during my formative years.

MADISON: I'm not your mom, and you're not my child. We're just a woman and a lady living in a house together, and we're both adults, and we're both a little drunk. 

_Mallory jumps up into Madison and they start making out. It cuts to the outside of Madison's house._

MADISON: Who-o-o lit my ottoman on fire?

NAN: Seriously, you seriously don't know?

MALLORY: I'm a bad "widdle" girl.

_Mallory tosses another match onto the fiery ottoman._

MADISON: Yeah, you are bad, very bad!

MALLORY: You want me to put it out with my boob?

_Mallory lights another match with the underside of her boob, tossing it into the fire._

NAN: Uh, what?

MADISON: Your boob is a very impractical way to put out a fire.

NAN: What is happening?

MADISON: I think you have a serious drug problem.

MALLORY: The only drug I need is you.

_They start making out._

NAN: Guys, guys, what are you doing? Please don't do this.

_Nan lifts her blanket up as they both moan. Somehow, the blanket gets pulled in by them._

NAN: No, no. Why are you--

_Nan goes to grab her blanket, pulling back._

NAN: This is a very bad idea. Can I at least get my blanket--

_They both moan and there is a slight thumping. Nan reaches for her blanket._

NAN: Let me get my blanket out from under-- Oh G-- Oh, my God, my arm. You got my arm.

_Mallory laughs._

NAN: Ow! Ow! I'm in it now. Oh, God, no! I'm a part of it.

_Nan gets pulled in and out of frame. It cuts to Madison's office, where she is smoking and Nan is waving off her blanket._

NAN: I still haven't regained the feeling in my fingers. That was the longest two minutes of my life.

MADISON: Um, I think it was a little longer than two minutes.

_Madison turns to Zoe, reassuring her._

MADISON: It was longer than two minutes.

NAN: How do you not get that this is terrible?

MADISON: Oh, you mean from a P.R. standpoint? Yeah, 'cause if this got out, oh, I would get flayed! 

NAN: Oh, I'm done being the voice of reason. It's exhausting. I got to take an angry nap.

_Nan flopped on the floor onto her blanket._

NAN: Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

_Zoe shakes her head at Madison._

MADISON: I know. I know. She's taking advantage of me.

ZOE: Actually, it kind of feels like you're the one taking advantage of her. She's the one with substance abuse problems and mommy issues. 

MADISON: Hey, we both have substance abuse problems and mommy issues.

ZOE: Yeah, but she came to you for help.

_Nan keeps making a scene as she angrily naps._

MADISON: [sighs]

_It cuts to the living room, where Mallory is laying on the couch. Cordelia approaches her._

CORDELIA: Hey, notice how I've been ignoring you, playing hard to get? Only makes you want me more.

MALLORY: Ugh. Go stand on the other side of the room.

CORDELIA: Okay.

MADISON: Mallory, get your coat. I'm taking you to rehab.

MALLORY: Nah, I was gonna keep hanging out here if that's all right.

MADISON: No, it's not all right.

MALLORY: What?

_It cuts to Cordelia facing the wall, then it cuts back to Madison and Mallory._

MADISON: This place isn't good for you. You need to go where you can get help, real help.

MALLORY: But I thought you were always gonna be there for me, like you said.

_It cuts to a young Mallory and Madison._

MADISON: I will always be there for you.

SUPERVISOR: Cut. That's ten, everyone. Let's make it a tight ten.

_Madison sighs and picks up the script, lighting a cigarette and blowing smoke into Mallory's face, she coughs._

MADISON: These pages are shit. You understand? Shit. I wouldn't wipe my ass with these pages. It would defeat the whole purpose of wiping my ass. 

WOMAN: Phone for you.

MADISON: Uh-huh. 

_Madison picks up the phone._

MADISON: You get me points on the back end?

_She blows smoke again and Mallory coughs._

MADISON: Well, I told you I'm not gonna do it unless I get points. Oh they can't find any? Well maybe they could suck some out of my clit.

_She blows smoke again and Mallory coughs. She glares over to Mallory._

MADISON: I'm on the phone. You're being very rude.

_Mallory gives a cough mixed with a giggle. It cuts back to present time._

MALLORY: You promised me you would always be there.

MADISON: Mallory, this is for your own good. You can't stay here anymore. 

MALLORY: Okie-doke. I guess I'll just move out and find one of the billion people who will let me party at their house.

MADISON: Uh, well, you should not do that. 

MALLORY: Oh, I know, I know, but I can, so I will. I'm at a place right now where I never need to grow as a person or rise to an occasion because I can constantly just surround myself with sycophants and enablers until I die tragically young. 

MADISON: Wh-What?

MALLORY: Yeah, it's pretty much too late for me. Well, them's the breaks. Take it sleazy, everybody.

_Mallory walked towards the door._

MALLORY: Oh, by the way, I called Vanessa Gecko, and I'm meeting with her tomorrow. Thanks for the suggestion.

CORDELIA: No! No, no, no, no, no!

_Mallory opens the door and turns back to Madison._

MALLORY: Hey, you guys want to hear my new catchphrase? Suck a dick, dumb shits! [blows raspberry]

CORDELIA: [grunting] Spalding, the dummy took the bait. Now for phase two.

NAN: Is she gone? Is it safe to come out?

_Cordelia walked back outside towards the wall._

CORDELIA: Leak to the trades that Andrew Garfield's agent is taking meetings with his ex, get it all over town, wait an hour, then get me lunch with Andrew on the books for this weekend, someplace Italian. 

_She climbed up the wall and left. It cuts back to Madison, Nan, and Zoe standing in her trashed house._

MADISON: I really blew it, didn't I? 

ZOE: I mean, maybe you could have been a better role model when she was young, but also, she never really had a chance. This is what our celebrity culture does to people.

MADISON: So, what you're saying is, everything is society's fault, and we as individuals never need to take responsibility for anything?

ZOE: Uh, no. Not exactly. I was just saying that--

MADISON: Yeah. I like that. I didn't do anything wrong because I can't do anything wrong, because we're all just products of our environment, bouncing around like marbles in the game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that is our random and cruel universe.

ZOE: Wait, no, that's not even what I'm saying--

MADISON: Yeah, it's not my fault. It's society. Everything is because of society!

ZOE: Madison, that--

NAN: Dude, just let her have this.

MADISON: Hooray! Everything is meaningless!

_It cuts to outside of the house._

MADISON: Nothing I do has consequence!

_It pans over to the two Paparazzi men._

PAPARAZZI MAN 1: So what'd you get, anything good?

PAPARAZZI MAN 2: Oh, I got everything.

_It cuts to his camera, where he flips provocative images of Madison and Mallory, laughing and walking away._

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaaaaa-  
> Hope ya'll liked it.


End file.
